Cut the Shit

Making the Right Choice

One of the things I deal with in therapy is trying to figure out what the point of life really is. Now I realize that this is a question that plagues most people, however, my take on it is a little more specific.

I don’t wonder or worry about what’s going to happen to me when I die. My faith in Jesus is incredibly strong, so as far as that’s concerned, I consider myself covered. But when it comes to the way I should live my life during my time on Earth, I’m pretty confused as to what’s most important. I mean, I know that I should be kind and generous with both my time and money. I know I should be a good man on all accounts. But when it comes to career and life choices - that’s where I get all fucked up.

Overwhelmingly, I’m torn between two aspects of my life. The first aspect is the pit in my stomach that will never be filled until I’m a working, successful actor. It’s the only thing I’ve ever loved and it’s a big part of what makes me, me. I think about it obsessively every day and have gone so far as to discount wonderful experiences in my life purely because nothing is as fulfilling to me as stepping on the stage.

The other aspect is my desire and need to be close to my family and friends. If life is about the people, then why would anyone spend any time away from those they loved? Why do I even have to have a job or a career at all? If this is my one chance at life, then why wouldn’t I spend the entire time with the people that mean the most to me?

I realize that I have to pay bills and that I have “responsibilities” as an adult, but when I really think about it, I don’t understand why. Why is our society so obsessed with success? Why can’t it be obsessed with family, lovers, and friends? Why do any of us spend our valuable time commuting to work, going on business trips, and attending functions that ultimately separate us from the most important people in our life?

Quite often I think that I’ll just throw in the towel on this whole career thing and move back upstate to quiet Albany, NY. I’ll have weeknight dinners with my parents. On the weekends, I would take trips to the towns where my friends live and we would party and watch movies and just enjoy each other’s company. Then on Sunday I would go back to Albany to be with my family – talking, growing, and enjoying every second.

When I’m 75 years old and wondering how the hell I’m still alive, I’m sure that the last thing on my mind will be that great commercial or movie I did back in the day. What I’ll really wish is that I had more time to go on adventures with the people that I might never see again.

There isn’t any right or wrong answer to this type of a question. I guess you have to come up with the answer that suits you best. The problem is that personally, I have no idea what suits me best yet. Do I want a family or do I want a career? I can have both, but I would always feel like I was slighting one for the other. If I knew that Paul was going to die tomorrow, wouldn’t I spend every waking minute of today talking and hugging and holding him?

Yet without any sort of timeline, we live each day as though we’ve got a million more. I guess I’m most afraid to make the wrong choice and to spend my later years wishing I had done things a little differently.